How To Clean Bong Water From Carpet

So you were bebopping around to your favorite K-poppers or whatever you do ironically to seem hipper than your peers these days, I wouldn't know, and you knocked the bong over. Fret not, my sweet Indigo child! Shit happens, as the boomers used to say. Even if the party foul took place at your parents' and- gasp- they're on their way home now!?!- the Gentleman's got a plan, and if you'll stop hyperventilating for five seconds, I'll tell you how to clean bong water from your carpet.

Brass tacks, all you gotta do is 1. soak up the mess 2. deodorize it. Here's the steps you need to take to get rid of the majority of the liquid, then deal with the smell afterward:

First, you need to get the particulates that spilled onto the surface of the carpet picked up. You don’t want to grind any of this further into the carpet than it already is. Best is a handheld vacuum, but if you're feeling particularly masochistic, you can in theory do this with by hand or by scraping it up with something flat (like the edge of a dustpan).  

Next, you want to get a towel or some paper towels and soak up as much of the water with it as possible. Press the towel into the spill hard (stand on it if you want to!) and it should collect most of the water. Throw this in the washing machine by itself to get it clean. If you used paper towels, throw them away and empty your trash as soon as possible or you’ve just transferred the smell from the carpet to your trash can. 

Now to deal with that tantalizing aroma of wet weed resin! Mm-mmh, bitch!

man frustrating with bong water on carpet

You Can Use Vinegar To Clean Up Bong Water

A lot of people swear by vinegar’s ability to get rid of odors and it works fairly well. Saturate the area with a hefty amount of white vinegar (any other kind and you'll probably stain the carpet worse) and let it dry completely. Bam! Now it just smells like vinegar so all you gotta say is you spilled your Five Guys fries. You should probably go get some Five Guys, too. And bring me back a chocolate shake while you're at it. I'm good for it, baby!

Or You Can Use Baking Soda

Baking soda works well, too, but you don’t want to use it on wet carpet unless you have time to let it dry completely. Give it 30 minutes or so and you can vacuum it right up. You don’t have to buy those scented boxes of baking soda specifically for carpet, either; plain baking soda is cheap and works just as well as the scented stuff.  

Resolve Carpet Cleaner

If you have a can of Resolve carpet cleaner lying around, this isn’t a bad choice. Soak up the bong water as normal and follow the directions on the can. Repeat 2-3 times until the scent isn’t noticeable anymore. Even better, if you've got the good kind of carpet cleaner specifically for pet accidents, it'll have that sweet, sweet bacteria-murdering enzyme action. It's got what carpets crave!

Rent A Carpet Shampooer

You can rent one of those carpet shampooers like Rug Doctor for around $30 from the grocery store and take the opportunity to clean all of your carpet. Who'd daddy's little over-achiever? You are, precious! Don’t be fooled, though; you don’t have to buy their expensive cleaner to use with it. Buy a cheaper carpet cleaner from another aisle in the store and it should work just fine. Again, look for one with enzymes in it that will help remove any lingering bacteria and such left in the carpet. 

Essential Oils And Air Fresheners

You can use essential oils and air fresheners to help cover the smell of bong water, but it won’t get rid of it. These are best used as a temporary fix while you run out to the store for a permanent cleaning solution.