The Gentleman noticed Euphoria Healing & Wellness whilst traipsing along Pennsylvania Avenue in DC’s Eastern Market neighborhood. Describing Euphoria Healing & Wellness’ multi-faceted operation is gonna take a minute. Are you sitting down? You’re going to want to sit down. Ok, foremost, they do massage therapy with CBD. They exclusively use Sunny Vera hemp products, which coincidentally, the Gentleman helped test for them way back in the day. Love these folks and can gladly attest to Sunny Vera’s efficacy.
CBD has always worked best for me as a salve I could apply topically to alleviate muscle pain. Using it for massage therapy makes perfect sense. Speaking of, Euphoria has a wide menu of services to choose from. Some of them are targeted massages like The Neckington, while the Bee’s Knees treatment utilizes traditional Thai techniques. Choose The Jefferson and a therapist will walk on your back, if that tickles your fancy.
CBD Massage therapy is just Phase 1 in Euphoria Healing & Wellness’ master plan. They also offer personal fitness training, including instruction in the sweet science of pugilism from a former USA Jr. Middle-Weight World Champion, Purcell “Hardcore” Miller. Additionally, they offer several treatments of a spiritual nature, with a focus on Reiki. I figured I could probably do with a chakra realignment. I’ve been pretty bummed since the feds seized the small hadron collider I was building in my basement. I wasn’t going to open up any wormholes, pinky swear! But would they listen? It’s all bureaucracy this and national security threat that and now I think I won’t ever get to collide any hadrons. Sniff.
Ah, but we press on. Euphoria Healing & Wellness is also an event space, so you can get the whole accounting department nice & relaxed before presenting your expense report, or have the place all to you and your special someone for a more intimate evening. Plus, cuz it’s DC, they gift weed, too. Sure, why the hell not?
The Gentleman was invited to check out Euphoria’s spa personally, which I gladly accepted, on account of my neck being busted up from long hours behind the wheel. The entrance seems like a converted, classic DC rowhouse. Once you’re buzzed inside, you’re immediately faced with a long flight of stairs to climb to reach their immaculate lobby and plush couches. I take a seat to wait and a giant bowl of fresh fruit is laid out before me. I don’t eat fruit, but they don’t know that. It’s a very hospitable gesture.
The proprietor, Scott Smith, joins me on the chair adjacent. A former defensive end for the Terrapins, Scott had his football career cut short by knee and back injuries. Frustrated at the ineffectiveness and inefficiency of traditional healthcare to treat his pain, Scott turned to alternative therapies like massage, Reiki, and CBD. Now his Dr. Strange-esque journey has come full circle and he wants to share the knowledge he’s gained to heal others.
Fair enough, let’s get to it! I’m getting The Euphoria treatment, their signature session that includes massage therapy, stretching, muscle realignment, and generous use of Sunny Vera’s CBD Healing Oil. Scott tells me about the sanitation processes they use to keep clients and therapists safe from the coronavirus as he leads me to the bright back room. I find him to be an affable fellow and we quickly developed a rapport, talking shop throughout the procedure. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever had a real massage before, but we’re not talking about a gentle lover’s touch here. If you’ve got muscles locked up like outbound traffic on Friday afternoons, a real massage will hurt.
Your therapist is breaking up all this inflamed tissue and it is not pleasant in the moment. Later, yeah, for sure. Scott is a fantastic therapist and made sure to check in with me regularly about the pressure level. My back is scrunched up like a pile of Christmas lights, so I let him use whatever level of force seemed appropriate, which apparently included power tools. Euphoria calls it the Big Poppa. I’m not sure of the technical term for it, but it looks something like a belt sander, but functions like a chiropractic jackhammer.
My body was singing with relief when I left the table. All that deep-buried tension and stress had come up for air as the knots of numbness it hid behind were temporarily cracked open. I CAN FEEL!!! Breathing is a good analogy, as Euphoria’s model of healing centers around improved circulation. I ask Scott for his post-exam evaluation. He tells me that each section of my body is locked up separately from the rest and holding tight to the stressors that pachinko their way in. Which makes sense! I do like to be organized, after all.
The Gentleman is no stranger to massage therapy and can confidently assert that Euphoria Healing & Wellness provided the best experience I’ve had in a long time. I’ve been looking for a legit, non-franchise solution to help put me on the road to better health for a while. I think I’ve found it. I’ll definitely be back, and I recommend you check it out for yourself. Plus you can get weed there! What more can you ask for? My hadron collider back? Well, fine, be that way.